I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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