tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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