And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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