the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
