The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
