I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
