how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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