Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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