Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
