Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
