She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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