I will die if light touches me.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
