I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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