We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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