No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Couch. On fire.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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