I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
