"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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