So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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