Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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