last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The dick lei will go down in squad history
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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