Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
