Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
