I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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