no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We have started to decorate penises.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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