Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
