Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
please don't ironically join a cult
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