just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
