oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
