Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
