i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
