He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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