i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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