youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
this boner is exhausting
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
