There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
