You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
