I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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