That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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