I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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