mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
