I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
