Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
