When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
In America we eat man semen.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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