her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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