I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
