i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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