dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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