talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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