i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
