I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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