Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
