i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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