I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
