your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
