he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
