Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
