Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
